This morning reminds me of...

I got out of bed very slowly today.  I didn't want to leave the warm covers cuddling with my little dog...but, I had ran out of things to look at on my phone.  And before I fell asleep again, I had to push myself to get up.  I opened the curtains to a dreary cloudy day.  I made my coffee and then sat on the couch and looked out the window.  It felt good to just sit there, quietly, and stare out the window.  I smile thinking about all the times in my life I have sat with my coffee staring out the window.  Unfortunately, most of the dreary days I started that way were also accompanied by horrible depression.  Overwhelming hopelessness and dread.  I have to stop and close my eyes and take a deep breath right now just thinking about it.  I've come so far.  So far.  I'm so proud of myself and I'm so excited to be on the path I'm on.  Finally, I'm on my own unique and divine path.  The path that I was meant to be on.  The path I was created for.  It feels good.  It feels peaceful and joyful.  And though my body looks the same as I stare out the window in stillness, my insides feel very different.  Its almost like I have finally accepted the stillness.  And now I am still with a little smile on my face instead of still with tears streaming down my face.  I can be still with feelings of peace and gratitude and hope.  It's a very different kind of still than what I used to experience.  I used to be still because I was paralyzed.  Overcome with fear and dread and anxiety.  And although my body was still, my insides were screaming and thrashing.  *Deep breath*  I have a habit of holding my breath just thinking of all of that.  Thank God for my therapist.  I can't believe how much I have worked through in the past year.  I can't believe how far I have come.  I never imagined having such peace.  And joy.  And really truly believing that I am perfect.  Because my creator would not create anything less.  And now I know that I have found my destiny.  I have found my path.

Creativity: What We Were Created For

"If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself."
-Rollo May

There is something stirring inside my soul. It feels like passion and anxious excitement, but it’s also starting to feel like a sort of important message or prophecy. You know, like there’s something really important that’s been placed inside of me that I have a responsibility to share.

Creativity is in every single one of us. We are an expression of the Creator. Our ability and urge to create is hard-wired in all of us. And if it weren’t for fear…disabling fear… surprising and brand new expressions of the Divine would flow out of all of us all the time. Many of us can’t even fathom what kind of creativity would be possible if we stopped comparing ourselves to others or stopped waiting for other people’s approval. Don’t you think Divine Creativity is bigger than that? Don’t you think it’s big enough to be expressed in an infinite amount of forms? Most adults have had the creativity pounded out of them. Don't you think it's cool how all children love to create?

There are a few things that make creativity flow easier. Creativity needs room to breathe and doesn’t happen when our lives are crammed. We need to take some time and stop obeying how everyone else says we should spend our time. Stop listening to advertising. It is telling you to be the opposite of creative. It is in the practice of being still and quiet (yet fully awake) that Divine creativity has room to express itself and give our lives purpose. Creativity happens in the letting go of control and being vulnerable.

God has brilliantly orchestrated creation to keep creating and expanding and becoming new. I have been created to find new beauty to share with the world. I have been created to make things new. I have been created to create. That Divine Spirit of creativity is in all of us begging to be paid forward. Please listen. Please obey. Please leave room. Please believe. Please let go. Please own it. You have been created to create. Please fulfill it.

Eucharisteo

"Nothing here below is profane for those who know how to see." --Pierre Teilhard de Chardin


Just finished this book. I think the concepts in it may be a key component in resisting the pull of depression and keeping a firm grasp on joy. Miracles come out of giving thanks.

Bless this Mess

Meal time prayer...Saying Grace...Giving thanks...Blessing the food. Or as my dad likes to say, "Bless this Mess." I think I stopped blessing the mess after I stopped sitting around the table with my family growing up. I just don't get it. Why would you ritually stop to be thankful only before a meal? Why don't we make it a ritual stop and say thanks before we pay our mortgage payment, or before we drive anywhere?

I've always thought it to be much more meaningful to look the cook in the eye and say "thank you" instead of passively thanking God for "the hands that prepared it." That borderlines rude. And then there are those people who make prayer sermons, preaching to those around the table and many times completely forgetting to even mention the food.

I don't think that food requires a blessing. If we're eating real food, it's already blessed. I'm not so sure about processed or artificial food, but real live plants and animals would not be alive if they were not blessed. If we ask God to bless a meal completely void of real food or nutrition, will it become healthy when we eat it? Is God obligated to make the food nourish our bodies?

Meal prayers are so weird. And yet in Christian circles, it's considered near blaspheme to put food near your mouth without stopping to perform this ritual. How dare we be so ungrateful.

I just recently read two of Michael Pollan's books, "Omnivore's Dilemma" and "In Defense of Food." I found them to be excellent books. I now feel properly informed and educated about my food, without being coerced into feeling like a horrible person or be consumed with guilt every time I enter the grocery store. Most of all, after reading these books, I have a great sense of gratitude for my food. I understand more fully the work and sacrifice that goes into growing and raising and catching and killing it. I am grateful for the hard work of the food industry laborers. I am grateful for the resources that make eating this food possible. I am grateful for the lives of the animals that produce the milk and eggs I eat. I am grateful for the lives that end in order to feed me. I am deeply aware of the connection I have to animals, to plants, to soil, to water, and to sunshine.

I have decided to bring back the meal prayer in my life. Because now I really feel thankful. And now I really see the benefit of stopping and recognizing what went into the food and the meal. I see the benefit of stopping and reminding myself to savor each bite and take my time. And I see the benefit of pausing to recognize the benefit of communion with those around the table, seen and unseen. So after many drafts, here is the meal prayer that I have written for myself, my table, my meal, and my family.

Fully aware of sacrifice and connection,
We eat with fullest pleasure,
To celebrate our dependence and gratitude.
For we are living from mystery
From creatures we did not make
And powers we cannot comprehend.
Thank you. Amen.

Motivation and Inspiration

Even though it was a drag to be sick on Christmas, I think being sick between Christmas and New Years is perfect. It's a perfect time to be forced to slow down. Inevitably, the longer I sit still, the more creative I get and the more ideas I have. I am inspired by sitting still without having anything else I should be doing. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes being sick to remind me how important making these Sabbath spaces are.

I'm having fun today thinking about what my dreams are for 2011. Silly things that always seem to be on my goal list like "keeping house" better, exercising to protect my back from injury, planning vacations and camping, playing guitar, and planning times to be creative. Even if I don't accomplish what I've set out to do, I still have fun getting excited about it.

I read a quote today that has been rolling around in my head:
"The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance." --Aristotle (384-322 BC).

It's precisely this (art) that motivates me. Did you know that there is an artistic way, a representation of inward significance, of "keeping house"?

For me, this is what it looks like:

1. Taking good care of gifts (like my home) is an excellent way of remaining grateful. It's like an act of worship.

2. The satisfaction of knowing that I can keep my home the way I want gives me hope I can handle more responsibilities that come my way.

3. I have control of keeping a certain amount of stress out of my life (in the form of messy house).

So this year, it's about learning how to stay motivated and inspired. It's about finding the deeper inward significance of things. It's living with art. Because, there's not much that can stand in my way if I can remain motivated and inspired.

The big picture

As I was taking care of my developmentally disabled patient yesterday in the hospital at Sonoma Developmental Center, I got to thinking…

This patient can not experience this life and this world in the same way I can. I see more, I hear more, and I know more of the big picture. He came into the hospital sick, distressed and probably not knowing what was going on with his body.

I know what is wrong with him and I know what is best for him to get him feeling better. But to get to that point of “all better” he’s gonna have to go through some unenjoyable procedures. I have to poke his skin with a needle to draw blood for lab tests. I have to put in an IV to give him fluids and IV antibiotics. I might have to put a catheter into his bladder. I might have to suction him by putting a tube in his nose and down to his lungs so he can breathe because he can’t cough on his own. None of these things are going to be comfortable, in fact they might put him in more distress than when he came in to the hospital.

The worst part about that is that in his eyes, I’m doing all this TO him. I’m causing him more pain. I’m the one to blame. But I know that in the long run, he won’t get better if I don’t do those things. And I’m not willing to let him sit there and die when there’s something I can do to help him get better. I care so deeply about the patients I take care of at the Developmental Center. I can honestly say that I love them. But most of my actions probably do not seem loving to them.

I wonder if it’s the same with us and God. We go through something hard, we come to him sick or injured. We are hurting and we want him to “fix us”. But we never appreciate that sometimes we have to go through more hurt to get better. We usually don’t take into account that God sees better than we do, he hears better than we do, and he knows the bigger picture better than we do. We don’t take into account that he loves us deeply and wants the best for us. We don’t trust that he is good. We don’t trust that he knows what he’s doing. We’re just too afraid of more hurt. But living in that place of disabling fear is what will kill us. NOT letting him take care of us will kill us.

I wonder if I make it harder for God to heal me when I fight him. Just like when I’m trying to start an IV on a patient who is pulling away and pushing me and scratching me because he doesn’t understand. It breaks my heart to have to hurt my patient, but even if he doesn’t understand, I will do it. And if he fights me, I will hold him down to do it.

Sometimes I just put my hand on my patient and whisper, “It’s okay, Love. I’m taking very good care of you. You are safe. And I’m right here.” I’d like to thing that God whispers that to me when I’m distressed. I’d like to believe that God knows what he’s doing and that he’s taking very good care of me. Even if it’s going to hurt more, I want to believe that I am in good hands and that those hands care deeply for me and don’t want to hurt me.

Fighting the pain will not make it go away. It will just make the process of healing take longer. Living life in fear of going through more pain, living life doing everything you can to avoid pain… is no way to live, it’s just a slow painful way to die. Being fully alive has to do with surrendering, accepting, being still, taking one moment at a time, and trusting… all in the midst of the pain.

It’s those little old ladies that bring tears to my eyes. The one’s who are in pain and scared and look into my eyes after I’ve done another painful procedure and say, “Thank you, Honey,” as the grab my hand and squeeze it. It’s the look in their eyes that says, “I trust you.” And that’s how I want to respond to God when I don’t understand. I want to respond with trust that he loves me and that I’m going to be okay. I want to trust that he’s not to blame for me getting sick. And that it breaks his heart to see me in pain. And I want to respond with trust that He sees the big picture and it is a really good.

What getting married means to me...

Sometime around age seventeen I started really thinking about getting married. I was with my first serious boyfriend and we had been together for a year or so. Growing up in church and going to Christian School, we were raised with the idea that getting married around age 20 was normal. So we stayed together through high school with the expectation that we would graduate and start planning our lives together. I had fully expected to be married by 20 and start having kids by 22. I was thrilled that my plans were right on track. I had been collecting magazine clippings of my dream wedding for years, but I got a little more serious about it as I graduated high school.

It was devastating to me when he said he wanted to take a break from me and go out with other girls. He fooled around with some other girls but wanted me back a week later. And I took him back. I had no idea that I deserved to be treated better than that. I had no idea that I deserved to be loved better than that. I knew that he was still "trying on" other girls over the next and last 6 months of our relationship as it unraveled. I knew that I was not longer important to him.

Then I became involved with a guy at work. He listened to me and asked questions. He gave me attention that I had never had. Even though we had different goals, he was a good companion. He stayed with me for years, through some of the lowest times of my life. And he loved me the best he could. But what I wanted was not what he wanted and his promises to commit to me always came and went. He became more and more absent and more and more secretive. Raised suspicions could always be explained, so I thought nothing of it. It was something that I was willing to live with to be with him, so I did. For 6 1/2 years I dreamed of someday hearing him say, "I want to be with you forever," but he never did. I remember watching a couple at church announce their engagement and I just started to cry I wanted it so bad. I had no idea that I deserved better, that I deserved a commitment. So I stayed. Our relationship slowly fell apart also and it wasn't until months later that I found out I wasn't his only girlfriend, but one of three he had been juggling for at least 5 of the years we were together.

Once again, my dreams of getting married and having a family was shattered. Only this time, I was in my late 20's and was quickly losing hope. I believed there was something in me that would only attract cheaters and those afraid to commit. For the next handful of years, I dated. Most of those I dated did not consider me very important for various reasons and for a few years it just felt like I went from one heartbreak to another. Over this period of time I slowly began to lose heart. I started thinking that I should honestly consider life without that special someone just in case it didn't happen.

When I met Joe, I was hurt and skeptical. I was done giving away pieces of myself. I didn't want to be hurt anymore, I didn't want to get my hopes up anymore. But it turned out that Joe thought I was pretty important. He valued me and treated me like no one ever had. He was loyal and didn't have other girls he was also keeping his eye out for. He gave me his attention and his love and his commitment.

That man loves me in a way that only God has. The loving words he whispers to me are echoes of the one's God whispers to me. "I love you," "I'm right here," "I'm not going to leave you," "You mean the world to me," "I'm so sorry you've been hurt," "Everything's going to be okay," "You are valuable," "You are beautiful," "You are mine."

When I was afraid and alone I would imagine God wrapping his arms around me as I lay my head on his chest and he'd kiss me on the top of the head and say, "I love you." That's exactly what Joe does. It's like God is loving me and talking to me through Joe. Joe is a present to me from God and he's the best gift I've ever received. God is slowly redeeming all the bad memories and experiences and gluing all the pieces of my heart back together.

I have this picture in my head of God dancing with me at my wedding--pulling me close and saying, "Gina, look! I have given you the desires of your heart! I have given you what you've dreamed of. I love you so much. I'm so happy to see you happy." I can't even write that without crying. It's so overwhelming to me how good God is to me and that He has done all things in my life well.

So this wedding celebration is a celebration of God. It's a gratitude party. It's a party to celebrate love and healing and new life. And I believe that God will be there smiling and celebrating with us. I believe that our joy is His joy.

As I prepare for this celebration and make the pieces of the wedding come together, each step is an act of worship for me. I want to give my best and I want to be surrounded by beauty and meaning. I'm willing to put my blood, sweat and tears into making invitations and favors and decorations. It is my love offering to God. It is my joy to give my creativity and time to Him, because what He's given to me is something so precious I'll never be able to repay.

In Mark 7, there's a story about Jesus healing a man who is deaf and mute. It says that the people were beside themselves with excitement saying, "He's done it all and done it well. He gives hearing to the deaf, speech to the speechless." That's how I feel about my wedding. He has healed me. He has done all of this well and I am beside myself with excitement.

I cannot wait until October 3rd. The day when Joe will stand up and declare his love for me, showing me that I am worth committing to and that I am the most important person in his life. He will promise to love me forever. And I'll hear God say with a big smile, "See Gina, I do all things well."

I know

It's days like today......
when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted and anxious and just want to stay in bed all day.....
when I have to work for 12 hours....
and I make it to work and am surprised by a calm easygoing 12 hours...
all 12 hours...
that I am reminded that you are very near....
and that you care about me so much...

House cleaning

This is just the motivation that I needed to clean my house and get chores done today. I read this today from 1 Kings 8.

"O God, my God. Listen to my prayers, energetic and devout, that I'm setting before you right now. Keep your eyes open to this Temple night and day, this place of which you said, "My name will be honored there," and listen to the prayers that I pray at this place."

God,
Keep your eyes open to my home night and day. Your name is honored here. Listen to the prayers that I pray in this home. Thank you for giving me this house. Thank you for filling it will people to love. It is my joy to manage it and keep it the best that I can so that You continue to be honored by the love here.

Love

God does not "love" us without liking us--through gritted teeth--as "Christian" love is sometimes thought to do. Rather, out of the eternal freshness of his perpetually self-renewed being, the heavenly Father cherishes the earth and each human being upon it. The fondness, the endearment, the unstintingly affectionate regard of God toward all his creatures is the natural outflow of what he is to the core--which we vainly try to capture with our tired but indispensable old word love.

--from The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard