what i've learned

"This is what the LORD Almighty says: I chose you to lead my people Israel when you were just a shepherd boy, tending your sheep out in the pasture. I have been with you wherever you have gone." 2 Samuel 7:8-9

God chose me when I was a little girl, playing house on the back porch in refrigerator boxes. I have been chosen to be a worshipper--to teach others through example how to trust God and worship Him. He has been with me wherever I have gone. Everything in my life has shaped me to be what I was chosen to be. I've grown up in an emotinally detached family and it has taught me that I can only rely on God for closeness and I can only trust him with my emotions. I've been through Christian school and a few churches in my lifetime and I've learned how to be judgemental and hypocritical, but I've shared my life with someone who has grown up in a different environment and has helped me recognize and turn from this. I have been criticized for decisions I've made which has taught me to rely on God because he is the only one who knows my heart and my motives. It's also taught me that I cannot judge people by what I see on the outside because I do not see their heart's motives. I have been cheated and ripped off and taken advantage of just to learn that God is really in control and sometimes I just need to let it go and get on with my life. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now and we still are not engaged. I am almost 27 and I have no children. This has taught me that I do not have priveledge of being in control of everything. God is working in him too. In the Bible, David did not become king over all Israel until he was 37, although he had been promised the kingdom many years earlier. Just as his time of waiting prepared him for his important task, a waiting period has helped me by strenthening my character. I have felt loneliness and have learned that God is the only one who can fill that emptiness and it is futal to expect that from humans. I have been amazingly blessed and have learned that God is my provider--for everything. I have cut myself and starved myself and have learned that hurting myself on the outside will not take away the pain on the inside, only God can do that. I have held on to Jesus when I did not want to live and I have learned that he is so worth it. I have learned that even though I don't have everything I want in my life, I have never been so happy and I've never been so close to God. That is more important to me than anything else I want.