Mistery of Mysery

Unsettled. Frustrated. Discontent. Helpless. Hurt. Bitter. Disappointed. Disappointed. Disappointed. I don't deal well with disappointment. It makes me bitter and mad that I looked forward to something pleasant in the first place. How many times are you supposed to forgive? How long are you supposed to stick something out? How long is too long to wait? Is "being change" hopeless? What in the world has this become? Why must you go along even if you don't agree? Is it more important to endure unhappiness so God can mold you to be more like Jesus through your torture, or would God like to see us happy and flourishing in a vital environment? Why does it matter so damn much what every one on this earth thinks? Like you've offended them by making a decision or judgement call on your own. Why do I feel trapped? When faced with the decision, why do I think that my reasons will not be understood or accepted by anyone else. Once gone, then what? Does that mean failure? Giving up? Maybe I should go live with hippies in the forest for awhile. That sounds so relaxing. So freeing. Why do I feel useless? Why do I feel like I'm not making any speck of difference? Why do I feel like I'm running myself to death just to look down at my feet and see that they are pounding a treadmill instead of the pavement? I want to pound the pavement. I want to get out. What's the freaking point? Why do I always feel like I'm trying so hard to be "me" but haven't gotten there yet. Or maybe I did get there but couldn't take it. I couldn't handle being comfortable with "me" or maybe I couldn't stand the feeling of contentment. Maybe I felt useless because I had found who "me" was and didn't have to try anymore. Maybe I thrive on trying and trying and striving for something more. So I can never be happy with what is. Jesus, please come back. I want to know what it feels like to really love and be loved. I want to experience freedom and friendship and the Kingdom and true and final contentment. At complete rest with who I am. I think when God creates the new earth, it should not spin. It should stand still. Like it's finished. Finally able to rest.