I am single

My boyfriend of 6 1/2 years and I broke up. We broke up somewhere around the beginning of February, but I haven't admitted it to many people. I didn't want to face the reactions of my friends and family. I told one friend not too long after it happened and she told me that she was glad we broke up. From the very moment those words came out of her mouth I decided that I was not ready to hear that from anyone else, so I just didn't tell many people. I was in so much pain at the time that this comment was made that I was close to crying right there in her presence. It's been awhile, now, and I know that there are people that still don't know, but I haven't been sure just how I should tell those close to me. How in the world do you bring up something like that? "Oh, by the way, I'm single now." Wierd. The last couple of months have been very very hard for me. My boyfriend was my best friend, and I miss him so so much. It was the most gentle and loving way to break up you could ever imagine, if there is such a thing. I've always feared loneliness above everything else in my life and it seems that God has seen fit to allow me to be smack dab in the middle of my worst fear. I do have to say that I have experienced God's presence in a more real way since this has happened and I'm trying to learn how to depend on Him. I want so badly to be content, but I just have not gotten there. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to be single. We did not want to break up, but we had not choice. There was no solution to our conflict. We tried very hard to fix things and even get help from a counselor. I miss him. It's really hard to do everything by myself. There are not many people that have a schedule to accompany me in doing the things I love like snowboarding and hiking. I don't think I'll ever enjoy going to a movie by myself or going out to dinner by myself. I would love for things to work out with us, but I think I am losing hope. I still love to talk to him and tell him about what's going on. It's hard not to call him every day. Have you ever lost your best friend? It wasn't until tonight that I realized how bad I want someone to hold me. I want to feel protected and safe. I want to feel valuable and to be the most important person to someone. I was so comfortable with my boyfriend. He knows me better than anyone on this earth. It's very hard to give that up. So, if I you havent' seen me blogging as much, forgive me. It's all I can do to get out of bed everyday and make myself eat. I'm sorry to all my friends that I did not tell. I just didn't know how to do it. And then the longer and longer it became, the more awkward it was. I was waiting for people to ask but only about 3 people have asked me "How are you and your boyfriend?" in the last two months. Please don't tell me that you're glad we've broken up, and please don't tell me that you're proud of me. Neither of us wanted this. I'm sorry but I don't know how to be authentic right now, besides writing it. I've not been raised to express my feelings, and so this is very very hard for me to do in person. I do accept hugs though. I miss feeling the touch of another human being even if it's just a hand on my shoulder. I'm also sorry that I have not kept up on the worship nights at my house. I feel like someone learning to walk again after a horrible accident. There are just some things that have priority over others. It's so hard to feel lonely. And it's so hard to feel uncertain about a future that I was so certain about. I'm going to turn 28 years old in 12 days and I never guessed in a million years that I would be single and childless at my age. I DO know that God allows me to experience things so that my life more closely looks like Jesus'. I'll never know why some people have to experience a completely different plate than others. I'm sorry if I've been flakey. I'm sorry if I've not been the usual responsible person that I normally have been. Keep inviting me. Please pray for me. I don't even know what to ask prayer for. I don't know if it's fair to ask God to take the loneliness and the pain away. Pray that I learn how to be vulnerable and authentic. Pray that as I lie in the crack between stepping stones, that God will give me the strength I need when the time comes to take the next step. Thank you so much for being my friends. You mean more to me than I'll ever be able to express.